I’d written this a month after I’d turned 40…
I turned a year older last month and had a lot of thoughts about life running through my mind the last few days. I have a habit of assessing the past and planning for the future. Well, not the future future, but what I will do shortly. I function perfectly well if I have plans and projects, for which self-evaluation is very important. In doing all this, I recently weighed in the last 10 years of my life and how I dealt with things. I wish the first five years had been better, but in last few years, I have sort of made up for most things.
I became a published author, I got back to learning art, I picked up knitting again, I did some very brilliant work for which I am eternally grateful to life and I have tried to become a better person with self-evaluation and correction. Not the richest or the most famous, but I am trying to be a person who will have few(er) regrets towards the end of life. I might not succeed as I have planned out, but I wouldn’t be sorry that I didn’t try.
So! While there are quite a few things that my 30s have taught me, I would like to share five. I see people behaving like their life is ending when they turn 30. Little do they know that it would be just the opposite, by god’s grace. I had turned 30 without much fanfare, in fact, I had not even realised that I was turning 30. It hit a couple of years later, but I never was the one who looked at aging negatively. Every day lived is a blessing, and why not!
The 20s are spent first studying, then getting heartbroken again and again and AGAIN, trying to make it in one’s career and hopefully making it before hitting 30, trying to acquire real estate and other things, partying, nursing a hangover, nursing more heartbreaks, wondering if life will ever fall in place, finding a life partner (for those who want to) and hoping this time love is for real – more or less, spent in a struggle.
How the 30s panned out for me, isn’t how it pans out for everyone. Some have it better, some have it worse, and some just have it different. For me, the 30s were about finding myself. It was around 35 that I started searching for who the real Samarpita is, what is she like, what are her aspirations, where does she want to be in life, and what is she ready to do to get there. I also learned more about the people in my life – my mother, my husband, my friends right from kindergarten to adulthood, and both my families. I observed people and understood who is what – helped me get rid of assumptions both good and bad, and understand what they are. Of course, this is just my interpretation of them, but I am glad I tried to understand them. It helps me understand their behaviors and reactions, even the most absurd ones. And that has helped me not misunderstand then – this is so important, with fewer misunderstandings, life is so much peaceful. Now, that’s an underrated joy of life!
I want to share my five giveaways from life in the last few years. I’d love to know what the 30s have taught you!
It’s time to live your own life
Padhai kar li. Naukri bhi kar li. Shaadi karni thhi toh kar li.
Khud ki marzi ki kab karoge?
I know I am speaking from a place of privilege but hear me out. Even at a place of privilege, how many people let go of things pulling them down and do what they want to? Not many. I am not saying quit your job and follow your dreams – that’s the worst advice anyone can give you.
What I am saying is, while doing everything you have to do, find time for yourself. Learn something new, if that is where your interests lie. Travel, if that floats your boat. Give back to society. Study. The possibilities are endless. We all have that one thing we would have loved to do had adulthood not come in the way. Do it. Find time. Once a day. If that’s difficult, do it once a week – once a month. Find time for yourself and just do what the heart desires. Honestly, it’s just one life and none of us knows which day will be our last. Live it out.
Your happiness needs to be of utmost importance to you
I am a strong advocate of living for others. That’s how I am wired and have been brought up as well. To think about others before yourself. To never be selfish, to share, to do what will make them happy, to keep an eye on them.
I cannot change the person I am, neither do I want to. But while I kept looking out for others, almost nobody was looking out for me. I am not saying one needs to stop caring about others, but it’s your life so you have to look after yourself.
When you look after yourself, you stop expecting people you care for, to care back about you in the same manner that you do. It’s a win-win, honestly. You save yourself from disappointment, and you take care of yourself exactly how you like it done!
It’s cool to invest in self-development
You’ve got to be a better version of yourself and for that, if you want to go back to studying or learning something new it’s perfectly alright.
INVEST ON THERAPY. Your gym investment might fail if you cannot bring yourself to go to the gym every single day because of anxiety, depression or something even worse. Your mental health is of utmost importance and nobody should tell you otherwise. A healthy mind leads to a healthy body. Take care of your body, inwardly and outwardly.
The 30s are a good time to start taking care of the skin. HYDRATE yourself – drink water, moisturise your skin, and oil your scalp. If you are having a night out with friends, drink a couple of glasses of water between two glasses of alcohol. Make sure that your pee is not yellow, orange or any strange colour.
Beauty is only skin deep is not completely true. Your skin and hair throw true light on how you are from inside – your health. As we age, our bodies require more care. What our parents could get away with in their 30s, we cannot – have you seen the difference in our lifestyles? Right!
Marriage is a scam
Wait! Hear me out. I am pro-marriage for whoever is interested in it, and totally in support of anyone who isn’t. Marry for the right reasons and not the reasons the society, even your parents tell you.
The reason I am calling marriage a scam is because it’s not what we are made to believe it is. It isn’t a stereotype or a photocopy of every married couple’s life. The fact is that every couple does it differently and no one rule suits all. Except when it comes to cheating, abuse, violence, and such – these are bright red flags.
Until these three come in a marriage, its for you to deal with how you want to. Want an open marriage? I would have frowned a few years ago, but today I would say, go for it. Just make sure your partner is in the loop and not getting hurt. Want to be childfree? Do it. Don’t allow anyone to dare call you childless. It’s not something you have less, it’s something you opted not to have. Want to travel every six months? Do it.
We cannot deal with marriage how our parents did, and I think that’s okay. As long as nobody is getting hurt and there is complete consent involved, a marriage can be as beautiful as you want it to be. For me, it’s a Fevicol strong friendship. S and I have a partnership and over the years we have both taught each other to be better spouses than what we were when we had started. Being perfect as each other’s spouses as against being the married couple the society expects us to be has helped our marriage flourish and reach a very content phase. But, that’s us. In my 30s I have learnt how different marriages can be, and learnt to accept them as they are. To each his own, with consent, of course.
Treat your partner exactly how you want to be treated and see how harmonious your marriage can be. If you are single and happy, don’t let anyone force you into changing your status. It’s better to be single and happy, than to be married and unhappy.
Two friends are better than 20
The younger millennial have understood in their 20s itself, us older ones got to understand this in our 30s. But thank god, we did. Friends acquired all through life need not be carried all through life. As we learn and become better persons, we understand that not everyone makes that effort. That’s a negative influence on the very lives which we are trying to make better if you ask me.
Someone you went to high school with might be a bigot, another few must be sexists (that’s a definite, most friends remain sexists despite all the transformation happening around), some would be homophobes, and some would cling to their regressive political views. It doesn’t mean we drop them all like hotcakes, but those who take their opinions too far and show regressive behaviour aren’t adding to their lives. Being brought up in a regressive environment is no more a valid excuse to remain regressive. As grown-ups, it’s our responsibility to change into people others can look up to. If anyone is not investing in being better, they will only pull you back.
Just two friends who hype you, have your best intentions in mind, and are making an example out of their own lives in even the smallest possible ways are worth two dozens of them you meet at kitty parties or weekend parties. Fairweather friends are not true friends and its perfectly legit to do away with such friendships!
I am taking my blog to the next level with Blogchatter’s #MyFriendAlexa.
I loved your post, esp the part about you should invest in yourself. Only when we are happy can we spread happiness around us
I can relate to this post. Happy Alexa to you
I am 32 and I find each and everything spot on. Amazing observations and learnings ofcourse.
Maturity comes with passing years and we tend to reflect more about life with a focus on self. I can relate to a lot that you have written about. Great post!
Damn! I wish I had read this when I was in my 30’s!
A beautiful and wise post, Samarpita. I found myself nodding at all the learnings you shared.
Seems I got a bit late in reading this.
But better late than never… will surely follow in the next decade entry now.
Sometimes I’m surprised as to why it took us so much time to realize that it’s never too late for self-time, living on your own life, our own happiness, and deep thought on marriage and stereotypes with it. Lovely post
Wise post. Totally agree with you. Though I learnt these things a little late.
I love your new website, Samarpita! Could completely relate to your post. The 30s are when the rose-tinted glasses come off and reality strikes. The 40s are smooth sailing in comparison.
So wise and I have been nodding my head along as I read through your points! It’s important that we invest in ourselves and of course, about the number of friends you mentioned? Bang on!
Loved the part about marriages. These are things very few people discuss. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for these pointers Samarpita. As someone knocking on the doors of 30, it definitely is much-needed!
Very well written post and so true. I agree with all the pointer and somewhere It is my learning too. so resonate the same thoughts as yours. Thanks for reminding me about my learning too.
Investing in and prioritizing self is one thing I learnt in my 30s too. My thoughts about marriage and friends resonate with yours. Just do what you makes you happy.
Such a thought-provoking post & relevant to understand our own self. Life changes at each juncture & it is really true to find ways to understand our very own purpose in life. Each path is unique & must be respected.
That bit about Marriage is a scam… turned out to be quite an anti climax…Haha… Agree with every bit of your 30s experience. Wish you a rollercoaster ahead!
And of course all the good things in that ride!
I can completely agree with all the points you shared especially the friends one. It’s important to have two good friends than 20 useless ones. Good one!
I agree with you when you talked about aging. I am not ashamed of talking about my age. I am 33 now. 20s was full of smashed dreams, lost opportunities, breaking and then more breaking down. 30s brought wisdom, lesson to take care of self first.
We have been brought up to think about others first and this ought to be changed. Self-care isn’t selfish. Too much indulgence in anything good or harmful is harmful obviously.
Society has put so many “norms” for each decade. Get married, have kids, etc.
I am so thankful motherhood came to me in my 30s where I am much wiser and know ‘what I want in life’.
Married or single, child or no child, the decision should be solely of individual.
I loved this post, hence such a long comment.
These are some amazing tips for someone who is 25 yet feel life is over and there is nothing more to come… Thanks for sharing such thoughful lessons.
Valid points, very relevant for a cordial relationship and also having those friends who would be there for us atleast to listen out…
I learned to choose better ,with every passing year.Interesting observation about marriage.
Now the times are changing when the ’30s is the new growing age. I have established myself when I crossed the ’30s and had a clear mind on what I have to do in life. I also have only one or two friends who I talk occasionally but who assures that are around.
Lovely reading your thoughts on the same.
haha.. I always felt marriage is a scam! 😉 Certain things in India are beyond comprehension. Things people are interested in knowing such as why aren’t you married, why don’t you have kids and so on are some of the classic examples. Good to know the things that you’ve learned over these years. Pretty interesting perspective.
Such lovely post, honest and real.
Loved reading this and I resonate with all your thoughts. I am in my mid-thirties and finally, learned how to keep myself as a priority as well as focus on my happiness more than the others 🙂
I have just reached 30 and i am still in denial. Trying to internalize it. Such amazing pointers mentioned here.
If 30s are a discovery, 40s are even more discovery…happy learning in life! 🙂
Good learnings! Yes better to have 2 than 20 friends and self-investment is the best investment. Cheers!
I simply loved reading your post. I was nodding and smiling to myself while reading it. Now that I am in my fourth decade ( a euphemism for being two years older than 40), I can look back upon it as a learning curve. Each experience, whether good or bad, each life event, all these go into making us who we are today. 30s for me brought diapers, little boys and tweens. I was exhausted half the time, but I got go to discover myself a little bit more, plus I got two chaps who think their mom can do anything!
Insightful post. I have been dreading reaching that 30 year mark.. as are my friends.. but that’s life.. I drew solace from your take on marriage…
Loved reading this heartfelt post, Samarpita. I completely agree that one should work towards their happiness along with other’s happiness. I learned this the hard way. Unasked sacrifices for others never bring peace to self.
As someone in my mid-20s, I found this post to be very useful. I have learned a lot of lessons, and among that – a few of the points that you have mentioned. But as I read on, I was able to come to a few realizations.
When I turned 30, I wrote a similar post 🙂 It’s amazing to me how you only become an adult – in the true sense – when you hit 30 and suddenly all expectations but your own fade away. The point on self-development is so critical – I wish people spent more time on that.
A very beautiful and thoughtful post… I was able to relate to all your thoughts… I think, the 30s has taught me to be completely non-judgmental… Yes, it is better to have 2 friends with the same under than to have a dozen with whom you have to think before sharing anything…
Loved reading this. Being in my mid thirties, I have seen my desire to get the old back me. Do what I always loved, rekindle my passion for art and dance. And I am so so so desperate to learn French and talk fluent French.
And cant agree more… i see people getting married due to pressure of family n society but I would always say that marriage is a gamble and you shld think with your mind before u take a chance. Saying that, am blessed with a superb partner and a wonderful father 🤗.
I can totally relate to everything! 30s are eye-opening yet so fun.
Beautiful things learned, my favourite is marriage is a scam
This is so true Samarpita. So many don’t invest or think about themselves that it’s important to realize that one is earning to keep himself / herself happy first. Yes it’s important to take care of loved ones but the individual needs to stay happy and contented too.
Even about friends, I think it’s perfectly true that during ones 30s we realize that it’s better to have few friends rather than anyone and everyone most of whom don’t even care!
Being in early 30s I can totally relate to this post.
excellent post. i am nodding along with all your pointers! i think we never really learn to just love ourselves and find things that make us happy – so important! and the sooner we learn, the happier we will be, irrespective of pretty much everything else.